Day 110: Here’s Something You Didn’t Know

Today was a different kind of day, yet very much the same as all the others before it. What made it different though was something so subtle that if I weren’t paying attention I might have missed it. Even my clients noticed that something was different. Something shifted.

Let me explain.

What you don’t know about me, and what very few people know (until now) is that I have been emotionally dead for the past five years. My capacity for romantic love was kaput, gone, non-existent, nil, nadda, zero, zilch…get the point?

Why?

Well, it was five years ago when I fell madly and deeply in love and thought I met Mr. Forever. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my everything. He was “supposed” to be the one I was going to marry. Dubbed the “Perfect Couple” and envied by anyone we met, it seemed magical.  However it didn’t turn out that way. I won’t go into details but what I will say is that when it became harmful I had to leave it. It was a tough decision to make because I am so fiercely loyal and I believe in giving it all you’ve got, working things out, and not giving up. However, I gave everything I had to it until there was nothing left to give. Unfortunately, one can only give so much until that well goes dry, and sometimes giving all you have got just is not enough. I wanted to keep on loving but I physically couldn’t, it felt as though my heart shrunk. I felt like I lost myself - my spark, my spunk, and my spirit left that day I walked away, and I have been looking for it ever since. I had nothing left, not even tears. I was so dried up, I couldn’t even cry anymore. All I had left was a big empty void of nothingness and a feeling of defeat.

That is until today.

Today I felt different. Even my clients noticed that my massage was different. And it wasn’t until they pointed out that it was “the best massage yet” that I realized why…I actually have a crush on someone! I have been pushing people (guys) away for so long because I felt it wasn’t fair to be in something when I emotionally couldn’t be there, when the most I could give was a friendship…and now it is not so. My head has been in a different space this week, and what is happening is that I am emanating a loving feeling, which apparently is showing.

* hands in the air, using evangelical preacher voice*

I can feel!

And others are noticing it. And even if the feeling and the crush is a fleeting one it won’t matter, because to me it already means that my capacity to love is returning and I am finally healing. It feels good to feel the flutter again. Could it possibly mean that I am ready to jump back in the game? Time will tell.

There’s more. Something cool happened last weekend that finally gave me some peace from my past. After five years, my Not-So-Mr.Forever called out of the blue to apologize last weekend when I came back from my Whistler trip. And THAT, my friends, was apparently all the closure I needed to move forward and move on.  Another piece of my past reclaimed; more to put towards my present.

I don’t know about you, but I am excited. I honestly didn’t think I would ever feel love again. I figured I would end up being that crazy cat lady that everyone talks about…and I don’t even want cats. And before you even ask, NO I am not going to tell you who my crush is. No one needs to know but me. But nice try!  ;o)

There is still hope for me yet sports fan. ;o)