Day 178: The Vipassana Experience – Into The Deep

As you know, I have been having progressively worse nightmares each night while on this trip. Each day and each night another layer of my “onion” has been peeled away. Deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole I go.

Before I continue sharing though, I want to premise the remainder of this post with this…not everyone’s experience will be like mine. Every life is different and so too will be the experiences within it. So if you are scared of going to the retreat after I tell you all of what I went through, don’t be. You won’t have the same experiences. Just go with an open mind. You will surely find the rainbow at the end of the storm…if indeed you actually encounter one. It just happened to be that I did, and this is what it looked like.

It was on the seventh day that I went into the deep dark abyss of the underlying everything. After my latest nightmare I woke up crying, visibly shaken and wanting out of whatever the hell I got myself into. I was scared and oddly enough felt alone amongst people. My nightmares were no longer just nightmares; they became vivid memories of my past. It was in the night that I got to know the deepness of the dark within, and met face to face with my painful past…sexual abuse as a kid and rape at 18. Momentarily reliving it frightened me; however, if Vipassana got me here, surely it would also walk me out.

What I didn’t realize was that the simple act of breathing and getting in touch with the sensations of my own body would create such an enormous impact on me, but it did. It makes total sense too. I have been out of touch with it since I was about five. So getting back in touch with it and learning to bring myself back to the present moment, the here and now, was actually a big deal. Up until this point I have led an escapist’s life in a world of daydreams, fantasy and out of body experiences…all forms of disconnection with reality and what is actually occurring in the moment; also known as not being present. While it served its purpose in times when I needed it most to temporarily disconnect from what was going on, what I didn’t realize was that I never stopped doing it. Even with the threat removed, my former “escape” eventually became habitual and a hindrance. I was a prisoner of my own mind and in constant flight mode from anything that could possibly be deemed a threat. I was on auto-pilot, without even knowing why I was doing what I was doing. It reminds of the saying, “It’s not the devil you know, it’s the devil you don’t”.

And the learning didn’t stop there. The process also uncovered one of my relationship patterns of why I keep getting involved with the same characters I do…often ones who hurt or take advantage of me. Sound familiar? If you didn’t catch it, it is a repeat pattern of the first occurrence. Like a broken record, I have been stuck on “repeat” ever since.

But you know what? Awareness is the first step to change, and for that I am grateful. Now that I know what I know, it no longer has to be this way. I no longer have to be an unconscious slave to my own mind, creating my own misery. I can simply walk out. That’s it.

No doubt about it, Day 7 was definitely the hardest and most unpleasant of my days at the retreat, but it also possessed my greatest gifts within. And true to the essence of Vipassana and what I learned there, I am living the lessons of impermanence. Change is inevitable, and already my life has taken on a whole new direction.

If you choose, yours can too.

Day 177: The Vipassana Experience – Craving vs. Aversion…The Root Of Our Misery

Yesterday I wrote about the “Sitting of Strong Determination”; how to do it and what it was like, but I didn’t tell you the purpose of it. Yes, there actually is one. The exercise was more than just mind chatter and body pains; although I did come to the humble realization that my mind wanders like a five-year-old with ADD. I would meditate for maybe five minutes and then wander for twenty-five…on repeat. This mastery of the mind is tougher than it looks.

So what is the purpose?

Ultimately the final goal is enlightenment. However, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is the path to enlightenment. It requires time, patience, persistence…and baby steps. So for Days 5 and 6 we underwent an experiential learning about “craving” and “aversion” as it relates to the body, which in theory would automatically translate to the real world experiences because you would now possess the tool set. Reminds me of what one of my teachers past told me, “Nicole, how you do one thing is how you do everything.” Wise teacher.

So what is this “craving” and “aversion” that I speak of? Simple. Basically every outside stimulus we encounter creates one of two feelings; either we want more of it or we want less of it depending on how it makes us feel. This is where our misery starts; we let our outside world influence our inside world. So for our Vipassana experience we do it backwards and we concentrate on the only thing we can control…ourselves. We focused on our inside world, noticing each and every physical sensation in and on our body (whether that be hot, cold, tingles, pain, etc.), and our exercise was to neither judge these sensations as either good or bad, pleasurable or painful.  Our job was to simply observe; to notice, to understand that nothing, no moment in time, no feeling, no sensation, no stimulus lasts. Everything changes from moment to moment.

So as I sat there in meditation pose I did exactly this. I felt every part of my being, part by part, piece by piece. Sometimes I noticed the pain in my knees and watched it come and go rather than wish it to go away; and other times I felt the euphoric pressure of tingling energy build up in my body and simply observed it with a curious mind rather than wish and hope for more or for it to stay. Both became equal to me, none better than the other…it just was. And when you come to the point of being with the “just is” a wash of peace seems to find you there. Misery can no longer be where judgment is not, and melts away with each passing breath.

But let’s get real about it for a minute, the process of enlightenment isn’t an overnight process and it is not about to happen in a mere 10 days. It takes time. I mean if you think about it, it took me 31 years to get to where I am at…so there is a lot of unraveling to do. To get to the end goal requires patience and persistence. And this path requires a lot of silent observation. Just simply watch. Do nothing…not judge, not label, not make it good, bad, right or wrong…just observe whatever it is as it comes and as it goes.

Remember, at the end of the day, there is no permanence to anything. Even the solid rock is weathered by the wind and the seas. Which means “this too shall pass”…and so too will our misery if we but choose.

Update

In case you are all wondering...yes I am still alive. A lot has been happening since my return from the Vipassana retreat and I am just trying to keep up with it. Writing about my experience has also proved to be more difficult than I expected. Have no fear though, I am still here. I actually have been writing posts and saving them, but am trying to finish and post the Vipassana ones first...which means in the near future you will probably see double-posts just for me to get you caught up.

And to my reader who wrote me to see if I was ok...thank you. Your kindness and concern is appreciated. It feels good to know that I am so loved.

Hope you are all enjoying this beautiful summer sunshine while it is here...and I look forward to connecting with you here in the next couple of days. Tonight if I can swing it.   :o)

Day 176: The Vipassana Experience – The Initiation

The experience continues. Enter sleepless nights and nightmares stage right.

I tell you, when I thought Days 1-3 were hard it was because I hadn’t yet met the wrath of Day 4… Initiation Day. Ok, so perhaps “wrath” makes it sound worse than it was, but it was very difficult nonetheless. Up until Day 4, everything was just a prelude, the preparation for the real deal…the REAL work. All of a sudden the breathing exercises looked like a walk in the park.

On the fourth day we learned what the Vipassana meditation REALLY was. The technique was a rather painful experience of sitting still for not just one hour but TWO. It meant we were to keep our focus and not to bat an eyelash or move a muscle, pain or no pain…for two full hours. Yes, I just said TWO hours…all the while bringing our attention to each and every single body part and to take note of every subtle sensation there. We were essential getting to know ourselves inside and out…literally. It was called the “Sitting of Strong Determination” and is/was the gateway to our freedom from misery.

Personally, I thought I would die. But it wasn’t the sitting and not moving part that was the most painful part, it was the having to sit through the instructions in Thai…which took TWICE as long to explain as it did in English. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Thai and their food. Their noodles are great, but when it comes to meditation, the guy giving instructions was as slow as molasses when saying them and it drove me nuts for all 10 days.

So why am I doing this and what is the point of this specific meditation? Stick around for tomorrow’s post to find out!

Day 175: Do You Know What Day It Is?

Happy National Sister’s Day! My lil’ sister made sure that I wouldn’t forget today. LOL

If there is one thing that I highly value and love to bits and pieces, it is my family. No matter how rough and tough along the way; good, bad or ugly…they are still there at the end of the day. We see each other as we are, and we all love each other ANYWAY.

(It also helps that I am thousands of miles away though…they seem to appreciate and miss me more. HA!)

All joking aside, my sister is pretty special to me. So today I just wanted to pay a quick tribute to my beautiful babygirl who means the world to me and is a big part of my life. She’s pretty fantastic, and I love her. Alana my lovely, this post is for you...Happy Sister's Day! I am lucky to have you in my life.

And remember...

...I will love you until the ocean wears rubber pants

to keep its bottom dry.

A Sister’s Love

A sister’s love is special
in oh so many ways
Now miles stretch between us
and minutes turn to days.

We’ve shared so much as children
the tears, the joys, the pain
A lifetime spent together
those memories remain.

In times gone by we’ve pondered
the paths our lives have taken
Knowing that in spite of this
our sister love unshaken.

A sister’s love is special
in ways that are unspoken
Still that binding force exists
our sister love unbroken.

~ by Cute Fairy (http://www.poemsjunction.com/poems/sister-poems/)

Day 174: The Vipassana Experience – My “AH HA” Moment

It happened on Day 3. The light bulb went on. Well actually, it was one of many AH HA moments, but this one was THE big one that set the stage for the rest of my course there.

In the afternoon of the third day I found myself to be rather unsettled, so I went out for a walk along one of the many paths through the field of daisies and wild grasses and stopped to sit awhile on an old bench near a tree, and looked out to the snow covered mountain through a clearing in the distance. It was there that I asked God/Universe…whatever you want to call it… “What do you want from me?”

I questioned why I was there, what was this all about, what am I doing this for, and what am I here to learn. I trusted all the signs that brought me here…now what? Where do I go from here?

I sat there in silence awhile as emotions came and went…and then it hit me. What has been my major focus lately? My blog. Attracting Mr.Right. Relationships. Love. When I really looked at the big picture, my WHOLE LIFE has been focused around love. It is also the one thing that has brought me much misery over the years ever since I can remember. Interesting.

With this new insight and “Ah Ha!” moment, I felt more at peace. At least I have something from which to work from. Little did I know that this merely scratched the surface but at least I had something. And on my walk back to my room I found a small reminder of my purpose here in the form of a rock…a heart-shaped rock. I put it in my pocket and kept it there for the reminder of my stay, so that each time I found it I would remember. It was one of many that I found but I stopped collecting after five. I was thinking:

1.       Five is the perfect size of family

2.       If I collect any more rocks I am going to have a suitcase full of them that I would have to explain it to border security

But it didn’t stop there. I found heart-shapes everywhere. I found it in the clover leaves, I found it inscribed on the benches, I found it in the dry spots of the gravel after a rain, and I even found it in the defect on the polished floor where I meditated. I certainly didn’t look for it; it just happened that every time I looked down, everywhere I looked, I was reminded of love. My journey, my purpose here, was about love.

Just not what I thought it meant though. Stay tuned…

Day 173: The Vipassana Experience – Just Breathe

Now that I have set the stage for my Vipassana experience in my previous posts, you may now be wondering…how does it work? Well, it is super simple, but incredibly challenging. Over the next few posts I will be sharing the process I went through, day by day. Surprisingly a lot can happen in just a day, so today I will start with Days 1-2.

Breathe.

Yes, that’s what we learned. We learned how to breathe. Well actually, we learned how to focus our attention on our breath. Sounds so simple right? One would think that it would be such an easy task as breathing is something we do whether we consciously think about it or not…but it is actually quite difficult. Try it for five minutes. See if you can focus your mind on your breath. If you can focus on breathing and only breathing and NOTHING else for five minutes, I am impressed. I would say that I might have lasted about 30seconds, but the moment I think about time, I have already broken the focus. I learned in those first 30seconds that my mind has the attention span of a gnat. My mind wandered aimlessly like a monkey, running wild like a horse, and about as annoying as a kid hopped up on Red Bull in the backseat saying “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” For someone who has never meditated before, that first hour felt like an eternity.

Can anyone else relate to this?

This is what I was going through for three days. Add to that trying to find a comfortable meditation position to sit in that wouldn’t cause so much pain to my neck, back and knees, and I looked much like a squirmy worm. Thankfully I wasn’t the only one doing this though, so I didn’t feel so bad. But I got curious and figured there HAD to be another way to sit more comfortably than the stereotypical cross-legged position that we all most often see in those Zen meditation pictures…and there was. Did you know there are wee benches made just for meditation? It is like a small seat for your butt to sit on while kneeling on your knees. I figured it would be more painful for the knees, but not so…and much more ergonomically correct for your spine which means there is no neck or back problems either. So if you are going to this retreat, make sure you use one of these with lots of support cushions…unless you are a sucker for punishment, then all the power to you. But, trust me, when you get to Day 4 of the Vipassana you will be THANKING me.

Trust me.

Day 172: The Vipassana Experience - Heaven On Earth, Hippies & Mr. Dressup’s Tickle-Trunk

I should have known that the Vipassana retreat was going to be a BIG thing for me. From the point of conception of the idea, and the three separate major conversations I had with three perfect strangers beforehand – 4 months before I left, 4 days before I left, and 4 hours before I arrived there… the Universe was certainly conspiring with me to make sure that I got there to receive what was coming my way. Not too sure what the numbers mean, but there seemed to be a lot of patterned events happening.  The signs were clear and mountains definitely moved. I guess both the timing was right and I was ready for it. I just didn’t know what was coming.

I arrived at the retreat near Onalaska, Washington both excited and nervous. It was my 31^st birthday and I was told I was heading into a life-transforming experience. When I seen the participants there however, I felt like I was walking down Commercial Drive back in Vancouver as I seemed to be surrounded by a lot of bra-less hippies and hairy legs that would make a sasquatch blush. Some, I swear, must have raided Mr. Dressup’s tickle-trunk. I was certainly outnumbered, so as the saying goes “if you can’t beat them, join them!” And I did. For the 11 days I was there I went au-naturel. I didn’t wear makeup, I wore my hair naturally curly (yes, my hair is actually VERY curly), I got the closest I could to hippie clothes…yoga pants and a t-shirt, and I joined the bra-less revolution. In the words of William Wallace…”FREEDOM!”

LOL

Ok, well they weren’t all that way, just more than I am used to. I certainly felt the presence of the 60’s there - “free flow” and baked brownies certainly came to mind. Not typically my kind of crowd, but I was there for the experience not the people. Besides I am not supposed to judge anyway. When I was allowed to talk again at the end of it all though, I found these so-called “hippies” to be all super nice people.

The grounds we were on were absolutely stunning also. It was a retreat in the middle of nowhere with a backdrop of mountains, evergreens, and walking paths through a field of wildflowers and daisies. It was breathtakingly beautiful, peaceful and serene. And because it was so quiet, I got to see a little Bambi approach me within only two feet of me…twice, a baby squirrel…twice, and two eagles soaring in the skies overhead ….twice on my last two days there. The air was different there; it smelled sweet and fresh and clean, and I drank it in like wine. I was intoxicated by this magical place. It was heaven.

Stay tuned tomorrow for when I share how the meditation works and my first of many “Ah-HA” moment to be had there.

Day 171: I’m Floating!

I have never done drugs or been high before, but if I did, I am thinking this must be what it feels like. Three days back home and I still feel like I am totally Zen and blissed out. Perhaps the Vipassana people spiked my cookies, I am not sure. Whatever it is though, I like it. I literally feel like I am smiling from the inside out. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling I have. It is like I can feel the space between the space. Like my arm…it is as if there is air where my bones are…I feel really light. It’s a bit trippy and weird for me, but I am learning to like it.

And it’s not just me who notices either, other people have noticed that I am different too. They keep telling me that it is written all over my face and my eyes; like I have changed into a peaceful monk or something. I thought I was pretty chill before, but now…now I AM that. I hope this feeling lasts forever.

Ommmmm

Day 170: Vipassana…What Is It Anyway?

Alrighty folks. You have all been waiting so patiently for it, and now I am finally going to give you the goods. It may take a few blogs to fully explain my experience, but I will do my best to unfold it as it happened. So here it goes.

Before I begin though, I first want to give a special shout out to my friend Sean. If it weren’t for him and our chance meeting a few months ago, a truly a fantastic conversation with a near perfect stranger, I would never have gotten the gifts I now have from these past two weeks that I was away. Then again, I don’t really believe in accidents or chance either. I think when we are ready, we draw people or things to us and then magic starts to happen. Either way, I feel a deep gratitude within for the seed that was planted. So Sean, if you are reading this, thank you for leading me to the path of liberation.

Gosh, where do I even start? Perhaps at the beginning, or perhaps before I share my experiences I should first tell you what Vipassana IS and what it IS NOT so that you can have a clearer idea of what it was that I actually attended. It was far more than just the 10 days of no talking, no reading, no writing, and no communicating in any form as I had previously thought. That was the easy part. Bear with me though as I paraphrase my blue information pamphlet I received when I arrived - which by the way, was the ONLY reading material I had there, except for the labels and tags on bath mats and such. Yes, I actually read those…I was desperate. LOL

Vipassana happens to be one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques, and it literally means “to see things as they really are”. It is a purification process of the mind that leads to total liberation; a way to focus and set free the monkey mind that causes us so much misery when repeatedly thinking about our past or worrying about our future.

How? By the simple observation of our natural breath and body sensations. Sounds easy right? Hardly. Stick around and I will share with you the process I went through. Well worth the end result, but not exactly a walk in the park.

Day 169: New Beginnings & A Leap Of Faith

Today marks a pretty big day for me. It is exactly one year today that I decided to take a leap of faith and I got the keys to my massage studio so that I could begin renovations and start turning one of my dreams into a reality. Can you believe that it’s already been one year? I can’t. Where did the time go?

Now it’s time to do it again. Re-evaluate, renovate, improve and/or make new – a natural process of growth, and a new platform from which to grow some more. A parallel being experienced both personally and professionally. So for the next month I will be doing just that, and hope to take both me and my work to a whole new level and with greater direction. I am excited and will keep you posted.

Stay tuned tomorrow where I take you on my trippy Vipassana meditation journey. Oh, and what a trip it was! I am still feeling pretty float-y from it, and I swear there was no hippie brownies involved…unless the sweet little Thai ladies laced the cookies.

Hmmm…